21 July 2016

Dear Mr. Trump,

First of all, thank you for coming to my door earlier today. And calling on the phone. And helicoptering into my living room. 

Nobody's been around here since the nice man from Atlanta let me invest in a new condo commmunity of recycled cardboard construction! (They send me pictures of the complex--beautiful!)  

You said I only had until tonight to accept your offer. I don't want to lose this chance at greatness, at history! I have been thinking it over and you're right. We have not done enough to make this country great, like it was when I grew up in Bozeman. 

I'm writing you a check for $19,782. It's most of what I have left in my old age.

But I know you are going to triple my money in one term of Whiz Bang American Kickass! And the membership to the Trump Steak and Wine Club is a bonus. (You said they were made of the best beef and grape ever produced in the history of humanity, right?)

My son the writer says you're a penny stock con man. Bah! He carries on about old-timey American products, like Snake-Oil Liniment, or an acre of dust bowl for three bucks in the prairie, or a plot of a land in a swamp in South Florida. Well, I know a bad penny when I see it! And I say, Larry, remember when Coca-Cola had cocaine in it? Now that's the kind of capitalist syrup we need more of. The great land of invention. I bet if we left that juice in soda we wouldn't have such a drug problem. Caveat empire! 

I'm sending you a few mementos that I hope will inspire all your staffers and minions. I think they will help your first term if you put them in the Oval Office: 

  • A Red X'd photo Statue of Liberty. I've never been there, but I know America doesn't need more poor or tired people. It was a dumb idea to put a statue in a harbor anyway. So French, so un-American.  

  • A Vietnam POW bumper sticker. Until you, I had never heard of anybody disparaging POWs like John McCain before. But it's like adding bacon to chocolate. Now that you have , it makes so much sense.  

  • A passage from Two Corinthians. Unlike the godless Left, I think religion and the earth should be like a real estate sale: "This beauty won't last at this price!" And how about a new amendment to the Constitution: "God, any time, any where." Or maybe "Lord of Liberty, give me Death." (2 Corinthians 3: 17.5)

  • A scale of justice and every episode ever made of Law & Order that I ordered on CD a few years ago. Isn't "the system" a liberal haven for elitist, godless, Ivy snots who make up the laws from the bench? Why should we listen to judges? Aren't we a minority too? I know you will take our legal system back in time! When men were Colonial Caucasian Founders, or like Sam Waterston. My new motto is "What's it to you if I sue?"

  • My entire set of 1979 Encyclopedia Britannica. Because the last thing we need is old, dumb facts nobody cares about. We need Believers in Future Dreams! Visions of Golden Fleece Jackets! Golf Courses Galore! Happy Selling High! ​​

Larry just pulled in so I need to finish up. I wanted to talk about how we now love Putin. I'm a little confused on that one? I thought Russia was evil?
But I think I get it. Big A-holes respect Bigger Holes. Anyway, I don't need Larry trying to yak at me or put a "stop payment" on my freedom of choices! I believe in you. McCain had the Straight Talk Express. But you have the I-Think-It-I-Say-It Drive By! Who cares if elites don't get your "logic." And if Larry even mentions Hillary, I'll tell him the same thing I told his mother back in Missoula, "You're fired!" 

God Bless, Mr. Trump, Tower of Truth! Continue to sell the Tallest Tales America Can Build!  

Sincerely, 

Rickie Truck, Jr. 

Jacksonville, FL